Sunday, April 30, 2006

Life so far...



So, what's new? Well, school has been keeping me busy as a bee. I just finished level one of three for practicum. I did well. My professors recommended me to get my phd, said I am a natural and I have the ability to help a lot of people. So, that's good news because I love it and as you all know, I am a keener. I am not sure if I will listen to my prof's advice and go for my phd, I am young I know, but I really enjoy where I am now and Jerry and I wanna have kids soon (still negative, but we're getting more patient, which is good), and I have spent a lot of time in school already, I'd like to actually make money one day and not be dependant on my husband and scholarships. Speaking of babies, My friend Celena just found out she's pregnant with their second babe, and my cousin Mary is due in 6 short days to have their first baby. I am so excited for her- her and her man got married 9 and a half months ago, and were together for like ten years- high school sweethearts! Man, I am happy for both these families!
Aside from this stuff, I have realized I am a horrible blogger and go like a month before I write anything new. I guess a lesson is that I need to take the time to write every few days, actaully, I'll say once a week as that is more likely, and then maybe ya'll will read my blog more.
Oooooo....good news, exciting news......Jerry and I are going to Hawaii next April. We are going to the Kokua festival in Oahu. It's an Earth Day concert that raises money for an organization known as the Surf rider Foundation and they work with biologists and scientist to educate and research on environmental issues, mainly ocean pollution. My favorite person in the world (aside from my hubby!) Jack Johnson started the whole shebang a few years back. Him, Ben Harper, Willie Nelson and a load of Hawaiian bands preform over a few days and tix are only 35 dollars US. So. Rad. Oh, and it's sponsered by Simple, Patagonia, Bear Nakid, and many other amazing local merchants. We are gonna go for a little over a week and visit a friend of ours first and then hit the show and enjoy the surf. I am so excited!
So, me think that that is all that is new with us and hope everything is well with everyone out there!
chao bella!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Default Mode...we all got one!

Aah, default modes.
A topic recently discussed in a growth and development class. What is it you ask?
Well, default mode, as explained by the sage known to us Mal-U students as Denise, refers to default mode as the "back up" aspect of your psyche.
That place you go where you are "comfortable" -whether you really are or not. Example: a person who has always felt and been told they were overweight, no matter how much they loose, or how many times someone says they look good, or no matter how good they feel physically, will revert back to saying and feeling that they are fat, unattractive etc.
I have a default mode. It's very dominate right now. In fact, I think it's always been dominate. Let's call it "Leigh Anne is incapable and a failure" default. I go back to it maybe too much. Right now, I am working on clinical, and I keep pointing out my faults, where I could have done better, and harassing my professors to let me know what I could do better. I need constant reassurance that I am not a failure. This has constantly been a struggle. Sometimes I wonder where it all came from, I mean my parents have always told me I was capable and I do good in school, but there is this HUGE, GINORMOUS fear of failure. I think it came from being told by peers that I was weird, fat, all these mean things that kids say, and my brother, man did he like to tell me I was stupid. I mean, it doesn't help that I was a vegetarian when no one in school knew what it meant, that I was freakin' tall, had the previously mentioned child-bearing hips by ten years old, and had a weird spelt name and nieces and nephews that were older than me! Oh, ya, and speech/hearing problems. So now, whenever I get a paper or test back, it's never good enough. When something goes wrong, it's simple: because I am a tool. This lecture was such an eye-opener for everyone in class. I mean, we all have a default mode- the woman who has been in abusive relationships going from abuser to abuser, the kid who was told she was pretty, praised for her looks and never praised for her abilities growing up relying upon those looks for everything. Some are worse than others. Our prof told us that in order to achieve self-affirmation and become a whole person, it is important to work through our defaults. If we're so stupid and incapable, she said, how'd we make it to university? How are we getting good grades? If we're so unloveable, why does our partner love us? If we're deserving of abuse, why isn't that friend of ours also? If we're so fat, unattractive (fill in the blank) why do others tell us we look great? That is my new goal, to escape from default thinking and realize accomplishments, whether they are small or large.
Sounds great, doesn't it?

Friday, March 17, 2006

Child-bearing hips


Kate Moss, Paris Hilton Or Kate Winslet? (I'll take Miss Winslet in the blue dress any day!)

I am fed up. Seriously. The so-called "perfect body" is disguisting. I wrote a paper on children and their perceptions of beauty and health and found that women with the Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson body is considered beautiful by young boys and girls, they even report that the girls portrait a healthy body shape....uh, no, sorry, wrong answer. These women portrait a total unhealthy shape and size, one that, only approximately one percent of the population can achieve.

Nowadays, to describe a female as "womanly" or with "child-bearing hips" is considered rude. There is a chronic fear of growing old, of no longer looking seventeen, of no longer having hips scarcely wider than the waist. Women have surgery to achieve these figures, or even have their babies a month before their due to avoid the effects of the final stages of pregnancy. Women don't want to look like women any more, they want to look like little girls. Print ads and television commercials reduce us to body parts — lips, legs, breasts — airbrushed and touched up to meet impossible standards. TV shows tell women and teenage girls that cosmetic surgery is good for self-esteem. Is it any wonder that more than 80% of fourth-grade girls have been on some form of fad diet?

We're told carbohydrates are bad for us, when any nutrionalist or dietician will tell you that complex carbohydrates are your body's primary and best source of energy. Without them, your body goes into a diabetic shock known as ketoacidosis. The Atkins diet tells us that more than 20 grams of carbs a day is bad, when any dietician will gladly say that the average should be 300 grams a day....

I tired the Atkins diet. For a week. I went crazy. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. Migrains followed. Jerry thought I was on heroin. I twiched. Then I cheated and ate a banana....a cardinal sin according to Atkins, and I stopped twiching, my headache was gone and I slept like I've never slept before. So much for that.

Kate Moss.

I used to fantasize about having her body.
What body?
While researching previously mentioned paper, I came across the above picture. I cannot believe how much this millionaire model looks like the starving children I have seen.


I wrote this paper for my development class and found an awesome video called "Killing us Softly" by Jean Kilborne. It's related to women in ads and how children are growing up with body dismorphic disorder, anerexia and bulima. I talked to "my two girls", now 10 and 12, and asked them if they liked their bodies. The 10 year old said she was fat (she weighs 68 pounds) and was trying to convince mom and dad to let her diet, and my 12 year old thought that she could loose a few pounds ...she's as thin as a rail.... These girls are already on the road to unhealthy body image. Girls their ages are having sex, using drugs, smoking, dieting, drinking, and over exercising to the point of delayed menstration.....I am scared.

When I was 14, I developed an eating disorder. I ate only carrots and spinach, drank coffee and water by the truck load and exercised three hours a day. I weighed 117 pounds at 5'11". My brother's friends asked me out. At the time, I thought I was beautiful. In hindsight, I was disgusting. A good friend taught me better by measuring my waist and comparing it to objects around the house- her poodle, a milk jug, a container. My already irregular periods stopped. My doctor told me to gain 30 pounds. I listened. Now, I find women like Kate Winslet beautiful, women who are proud that their bodies can substain life, are healthy and functioning.

I think it's time we all help each other and our childern realize what real beauty is all about. I am gonna start by embracing my child-bearing hips...so help me god....

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Life so far

So, things have been busy. really busy. but thanks to people like my husband and those in my class, it has been tolerable. I mean, what kind of a world are we living in where teachers give you two papers a week on top of a test every two weeks, assesments every two weeks and readings every day! My gawd, they mustn't think we have a life and the need to sleep. Last night, Jerry and I had a mellow night grocery shopping, eating stuffed peppers for dinner and then watched a movie. It was needed and enjoyed. I had assesment today (that is why I am done school already) and I got an A. I actually got recognized as the most organized, detail oriented and caring student. I walked outta that lab with the biggest grin on my face (failing an assesment means you fail lab practice which means you fail the course and there goes a ton of money, time and energy). And people fail. A lot. The above picture is me sick, how I have been feeling this week. I dunno why I put it in, I guess because it reflected my mood today-before my assesment that is- and also it's a neat picture.....and I am nakid- something ya'll care to see I am sure! I am a bit of an exhibitionist I guess. Anyways...Jerry and I are working on a new tattoo for him and I. He wants this really cool First Nations style frog that an artist from Tofino drew and I want either a Latin quote on my hip opposite the current written on hip, or a First Nations style hummingbird on my spine. I dunno. I am so lost, as I want both but don't want to get both. I have enough. Decisions. This is a long blog as it has been a while and I am full of random thoguhts so bear with me. Please! So, in other news, Jerry's cousin visited last week- it was great to see her and her friend. She is so much fun and full of energy, so it's good times when Jess is around. I have to say, I am a bvit relived she came, a nice break from school and Jerry got to go out with her and have "cousin time". We're working hard on balancing school/work/family/friends/life...hard work. Jerry's done school in a month whereas I have school for the summer, so I'll be inside working my bumm off while ya'll are out swimming and camping and having a blast! Soon too, we hope to be pregnant....depending on if my fertility treatment works. When school is done we will hopefully be there. My goal is to get pregnant a month before to a month after school is done and work until the baby is born and then work part time after that and Jerry work part time and do school. We'll see, I mean it's not planned and things can go so many different ways. It just needs to happen quick if it's gonna and we've gotta work with the time we have. I'd love to work for a few years and then try once Jer is done school and working too, but by then it'll be too late and we'll then have to go thru the adoption process which will cost a fortune and take years. So, keep yer fingers crossed. Anyway I better go make some dinner and study hard! Chao for now!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

School....


This is the Astec building (Applied Studies Training and Educational Centre). This is where I spend the majority of my week. My life. My blood, sweat and tears are in this buidling. This is where I spend 30 hours a week in lab, practicing torture and learning how to do things most people cringe at. This is where I sit in class and learn about neurology, physiology, anatomy and communication. Yes, you heard it right, communication. I learn how to present my stuborn ass opinions in a politically correct manner, how to better my methods and how to talk medical mumbo jumbo. I speak in terms of RLQs and CHFs, with a bit of TPR thrown in. Maybe even some SSE for fun (I dare you to look it up, it's icky). But I love it. Right now, I am doing more homework that sleep and more coffee consuming that ever before. And we all know I have a coffee problem as it is. I know I have not been a very good blogger or e-mailer or phoner in the last while and I promise it will get better. In 6 months. When I am done practicum. Ooooo, and cross your fingers for me, I hope to get placement at Clearwater so I can work with the drug and alcohol rehab. I know it doesn't sound like someone's ideal wish, but it is for me. For some reason, I get these people. I've never had an addiciton, well, except for coffee, but that's a perfectly socially acceptable drug, so it does not count. I just find that with previous expirence, I suit rehab work. I do my worst work with DAID(disassociative identity disorder, previously known as multiple personalities) because I get frustrated and loose patience. I find it intresting and all, but in the classroom and in books. In person, I get stressed. And that is no place for a caffine addicted lass like myself.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Frogs

There is no reason for this picture. It's just colourful and the frog is adorable.










So, what is new? Nothing exciting actually. Jer and I are trying to figure out how to mesh friends/family/school/work and each other, it is so far unsucessful. We have no real life outside of work and school. It's not that we want it that way, it's just that these two things occupy more time than we'd like. We have fun when we hang out with our friends and we find comfort in time with our families, but between his busy brother and his 3 boys, my siblings living all over god's green earth, and both sets of parents working, it makes family visits few and far between too. We were planning to go to Victoria this weekend, but then we remembered that we have a five year old's birthday party to go to and my uncle is going to be arriving a week earlier than planned. So, no romantic trip away. But we get to see family and we get to be together, so all in all it's okay. Right now the other big thing is that I am eager to move. I want a yard. Jer does too. He's just more realistic than me and knows finding said yard in this town is not going to come cheap or easily. Besides this stuff, we are enjoying married life, and I find that nothing much has changed in our relationship aside from the fact that I love him more deeply. Corny I know.....

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Rain

So, it's a beautiful "Tofino day" out here on Canada's West Coast! Here's a run-down of the days events: In an attempt to park at school today, I almost got hit by some idiot not understanding that the white line at an intersection, marked by a red sign proclaiming "Stop" means just that-Stop! Don't continue going 60 Km/h and nearly t-bone the chick in the Camry. Arg! And then, after failing to find said parking anywhere remotely near the building I was to attend a lecture in, my umbrella (my third umbrella this winter) flipped inside out, and broke, much in the same manner as the previous two. Now, I am walking like a mile to class with a broken umbrella and sopping wet clothes. Joy. The fun part comes when I am trying to cross the damn intersection to get back to said car and no one would stop their bloody car to let me walk. I mena, it takes like what, 5 seconds for me to cross, but no one had enough patience to wait five seconds for a chick in the windy as hell, pouring rain, carrying like fifty pounds of books and a fro. So, to make me smile, I made yummy white chocolate and cranberry cookies and a nice big cup of hot chocolate. Now I am happy. I love the rain, I really do, but only when my umbrella works and people don't try to kill me!

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